Our Stories and the Characteristics

In 2000, the SCAnner, our newsletter, asked members to tell how their stories reflect the Characteristics Most of Us Seem to Have in Common. These 14 Characteristics had not been written about in any SCA literature, yet they represent one of the cornerstones of the fellowship. The editor at the time, David A.-S., chose the following stories for publication in the SCAnner. Each story represents only the member who wrote it; none of these writings are SCA Conference Approved Literature. Take what you like and leave the rest.

Characteristic 1: As adolescents, we used fantasy and compulsive masturbation to avoid feelings, and continued this tendency into our adult lives with compulsive sex. – Aaron Y (NY)

Characteristic 2: Compulsive sex became a drug which we used to escape from feelings such as anxiety, loneliness, anger and self-hatred, as well as joy – UT (NY)

Characteristic 3: We tended to become immobilized by romantic obsessions. We became addicted to the search for sex and love; as a result we neglected our lives. – Jeff Z (NY)

Characteristic 4: We sought oblivion in fantasy and masturbation, and lost ourselves in compulsive sex. Sex became a reward, punishment, distraction and time-killer. – Paul McD (NY)

Characteristic 5: Because of our low self-esteem we used sex to feel validated and complete. – Paul W (NY)

Characteristic 6: We tried to bring intensity and excitement into our lives through sex, but felt ourselves growing steadily emptier. – Brian B (SF)

Characteristic 7: Sex was compartmentalized instead of integrated into our lives as a healthy element. – Phideaux X (LA/NY)

Characteristic 8: We became addicted to people, and were unable to distinguish among sex, love and affection – Michael R (LA)

Characteristic 9: We searched for some “magical” quality in others to make us feel complete. Other people were idealized and endowed with a powerful symbolism, which often disappeared after we had sex with them. – David D (WI)

Characteristic 10: We were drawn to people who were not available to us, or who reject or abuse us. – John F (NY)

Characteristic 11: We feared relationships, but continually searched for them. In a relationship we feared abandonment and rejection, but out of one, we felt empty and incomplete. – Aaron L (NY)

Characteristic 12: While constantly seeking intimacy with another person, we found that the desperate quality of our need made true intimacy with anyone impossible, and we often developed unhealthy dependency relationships that eventually became unbearable. – David A-S (NY)

Characteristic 13: Even when we got the love of another person, it never seemed enough, and we were unable to stop lusting after others. – Paul N (WI)

Characteristic 14: Trying to conceal our dependency demands, we grew more isolated from ourselves, from God and from the very people we longed to be close to. – Marc N (NY)